Tears In My Ears

Deciding on the 5 worst country songs is a lot like trying to find the greenest blade of grass. They're all shades of green, and the whole yard just needs to be mowed.

Country "music" is so revolting that it shuts my brain down almost immediately. It is an excellent tactical weapon. Because I don't subject myself to such suffering willingly, I had to really delve into some awful recesses in my mind to determine which "songs" have hurt me the most. I'll be billing Janelle for my therapy.

#5: Ring Of Fire (and everything else by Johnny Cash)

Gimmicky "man in black" stuff just isn't enough to make this tolerable. This guy is like the Bruce Springsteen of country music. No discernable talent, but everyone says he's good, so it must be so. Yeah, I get it... dark, tragic life, rags to riches, blah blah blah. In fact, my great-grandpa's sister used to feed his family in Arkansas in the '30s. Bottom line is, the music sucks. All three chords of it. OK, so he's mostly on key. But to say he has an annoying twang doesn't quite sum it up. If you want to do a good Johnny Cash impression, do your very best to constantly say rrrrrrrr while singing. Think REO Speedwagon does country. "Still I don't remembrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..."

If you don't believe he sucks, check out what has happened to Joaquin Phoenix since he played JC. He's gone mad.

#4: God Bless The USA

Before you call me anti-American, hear me out. Yes, I'm proud to be American. I wholeheartedly love my country. That is why this song makes my teeth slam together violently, causing skull vibrations to pulverize my brain until it leaks out of my ear leaving me (at least temporarily) a mindless zombie (token zombie reference). Yes, Lee Greenwood has every right to love this country, too, but ever since he transformed that emotion into a horrific country track, people seem to feel obligated to drill it into my eardrums at every conceivable opportunity. It's virtually inescapable, and could possibly be fatal.

#3: Boot Scootin' Boogie

I think the name says it all on this one. First of all, I abhor the segue of boogie into the country genre. It just doesn't fit. Second, this atrocity seems to inspire gaggles of plaid-clad lemmings to go racing together and begin gyrating across the floor in relative synchronicity without any concern for the welfare of my senses. Before this song, I had never seen so many denim snuff can circles wiggling around in one place. And the boots... oh, the boots...

#2: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

It's painful enough being aurally accosted by blaring steel guitar at a red light. But when someone thinks it's funny to make a tasteless, jingle-bell-laden country song depicting the unfortunate demise of a drunken matriarch and the subsequent apathy of her family, that's just too far. For some reason, the general public has decided that everyone must love this song, and it is maliciously stirred into nearly every Christmas music mix throughout the season. In fact, I was at a Christmas event this last year, and they played about 6 songs on loop for 2 days straight. This was one of them. My friend was homicidal by the time we left. I was curled up under a tree in the fetal position gnawing on my own knuckles and muttering something about wabbit season.

#1: Achy Breaky Heart

Oh, where do I start? First, there's Billy Ray Cyrus, the mulleted marvel. While I'm sure he's just a spiffy guy, he'll stand before his creator and face judgment for this one. Such a collection of vile, insipid, twangy references to body parts deserves some sort of reciprocity. Perhaps he should be strapped to a mechanical bull and forced to listen to the Macarena on loop for about 5 years. Or Tubthumping. Or MMMBop. Here's a hint, Billy: If half the nation's radio stations are playing your song 20 times a day, chances are it's really, really bad. And this particular batch of sludge seeped out of its country container... crossover. Feel free to torture the country fans with this repugnance, but what did the rest of us do to deserve such torment?

I'll close on this note:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmQwrNXb3m4